Nothing to see here. 🙈
Bonus points if you remember the smooth sounds of DeBarge! ...

A peek into our cozy days. ...

There are so many words that fit right here. And none at all.

What began as a whispered prayer was something God had been weaving together - threads through time, without us knowing…until He unfolded His plan and we began to say, “what if?” To God be the glory! May His work in us to *begin again* bear fruit! Our gratitude to God, who answered prayers before we could even conceive of them, will be lifelong. ❤️

To say it took courage and faith for both these families would be the understatement of the century. To those who trusted us and prayerfully loved us forward, our gratitude is eternal.❤️ We entrust all our children to the Most Sacred Heart.

To our friends who saw our hearts as fragile, but ready to stretch, and encouraged us when we mistrusted our own steps - thanks will never be enough for seeing possibilities through our pain. ❤️

To our late spouses, who gave us a total of 12 beautiful souls, spouses whom we’ve both walked to the end of their earthly life, pulled back the veil, and prayerfully sent them to their eternal reward - thank you for loving us so well so that we could recognize love and marriage as a good. And thank you for praying for us and for your children. ❤️

And to this amazing man!! This amazing man who broke down my very secure walls, loved my pain and brokenness, loved me back into seeing a future, loved my children without condition or reservation, and *saw me* (even through the darkness) when no one else did - thank you. ❤️ You have my heart.

And finally…to @instagram where it all began two years ago, and to the planner and homeschooling communities here on IG - you may not know it, but you provided the stepping off point we both needed to begin talking through our pain. Did you know we started talking together…about a planner??? #plannerfriendsmakethebestfriends

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 ...

Engaged. 💍 Under your scars. ❤️❤️ 10.25.25 ...

Anybody else fully embracing the new poppy red rouge 💋❣️‼️🍓📍🍒💄📌 color from @cloth_and_paper ?? 🙋🏼‍♀️

I used the freebie memento envelope that comes with orders, punched it to fit my CP Petite project/goal management notebook. I love the peek of poppy red ❤️ behind the fluted dashboard!!

#clothandpaper #cppetite ...

This is the story of a beginning. A beginning again. Beginning again in the middle. Beginning again after the shatter. A beginning that could only have been directed by the hand of God at every turn.

A year ago today I was on a plane headed to meet a Green Beret for the first time. My friends said I couldn’t use his name until I met him so he was affectionately referred to as, “the Green Beret.” 💚

But I have to go back further for this beginning. Back to the dark. Back into the deepest loneliness I’ve ever felt - widowhood is a place of brutal pruning. And isolation. A place which afforded me no one who saw me or understood the darkness I was in. A place that was raw, and burdened with others’ expectations. Made heavier with the uniqueness of carrying my children’s grief and pain because of the loss of their dad. I looked everywhere for help, asked everyone I could think of…and there was nothing for me in this season. Which resulted in even more isolation, save the love of my parents, kids, and a handful of friends willing to go into the dark with me.

So I begged God for a friend. And He answered almost immediately with this man. He was a friend who immediately understood - because he was standing in the dark in his pain, too. He was a friend who wasn’t scared by my pain. He was a friend who needed no explanation. He saw me. And he knew me.

We immediately saw God’s gift in our friendship and thanked Him. And then…it grew. From a beginning to a whispered hope. And from hope to a reality, blessed by God, as He drew out of our pain the unexplainable gift of being able to love and be loved again.

A year ago today we met - after months of a beginning that started in friendship. And God took our fragile hearts and even more fragile first steps and grew us into a depth of love that only He could have prepared. We stand in awe of the gift. And more grateful than words can say. It took courage, heart, hope and an extraordinary amount of faith to walk forward in spite of mountains and obstacles - and here we are. Through the parted sea. Deeply in love. With God. With our story. And with each other. ❤️ Beginning again.

Happy anniversary, soldier. ❤️ ...

This moment.

I think of life in moments.

As a young mom, I struggled with that moment of intensity with young children. I know. Not very gram-worthy to admit, but there it is. Gritty reality. Those moments were hard and I felt overwhelmed and as if I wasn’t good enough. Misunderstood by many, I trudged forward and found a way.

As a mom in grief and living with the loss of my husband while still raising children I felt shattered, empty, and without a rudder. Don’t throw that “God will never give you more than you can handle” mythology at me; He most certainly does. I’ve lived it. He’s there - walking beside, sometimes (often) carrying. But we’re walking on water. Across an ocean. And it is scary. And it is WAAAAAY more than I can handle on my own. He taught me that.

Both moments I have to confess I clawed my way forward. And before you think that’s a testimony of strength - it is not. It’s a confession of groping. It’s a story of grace, but one of gulping grace like air after being dunked and held under water so long your lungs are on fire. It is only now - in this moment - just starting to feel like a story of resting in His promise.

This moment.

This moment is full of hope. And love. ❤️ And breathing. I am breathing again. There is still pain in many forms. The pain of taking risks, of being misunderstood, turned away; the painful parts of being rebuilt in God’s hands are all still there. This season is no less intense than any other season. And I confess, I’d probably have to characterize this moment, too, by groping more than resting in His plan. >>insert your mental image of me flailing about while trying to tread water<< But. To breathe deeply. To feel hopeful. To be still and know. I had to take crazy risks to get here. And through this parted sea, God keeps reaching for me - “come and see.”

Keep me in this moment.

#findingslow #slowisnoteasy #throughthefire #keepmeinthemoment #widowlife #rebuilding #momlife ...

File this one under, “Things I never thought I could do,” and “Starting Over at the Middle.” The move to Missouri. ❤️ ...

My best friend asked me last night if I had reinvented myself?

No.

But God has; He is making me new. This fire He sent has made me new. It burnt off the edges of self I was clinging to, and the visions of a future that can never be, while leaving in place a deep love and trust in God - a trust that grew every time He reached into my life miraculously to pull me forward or keep me from drowning.

And He worked from the inside out, surprising me at every turn. “You think you want this?” He would say. “In my love for you and my perfect wisdom, I gift you *this*.” And I would resist. And argue. And hide. And then He would invite me to bend gently around His plan. “Come to me,” He would say. And finally. Slowly. I walked. And then He said, “I know the plans I have for you. Keep stretching.” So I took risks - small at first, and then bigger. Until finally, He said, “Through the fire. Through the parted sea.” And I said, “Yes. Come what may. I trust.”

The rebuild is painful. It’s incomplete. And it is full of risk and pain and vulnerability and joy and happiness and shelter.

What it is missing is quicksand.

If you stretch you will avoid the quicksand that intense grief or intense suffering can bring. I’ve seen the quicksand. I’ve even been stuck in it for a while. If you’re there in the quicksand - listen for His voice and reach for His hand when He stretches toward you. “For I know the plans I have for you,” He will tell you. “I am in the business of parting seas - walk. Walk forward. Walk through the intense suffering in your life. I will part it. You will still feel it. I’m going to stretch you and ask you to take risks. Get up and walk. And I will show you the plans I have for you - plans to give you hope and a future.”

And through that fire - the rebuild happens.

#therebuild #suffering #lifeafterloss #Godpartsthesea #throughthefire #survive #survivingloss #survivethenthrive #rebuilding #joyinthepain ...

Starting over.

I’m learning that nothing gets to be the same after loss. Nothing. And that includes homeschooling. I’m not sure why I have to keep relearning that lesson, but I do.

Nothing runs on the same tracks. Nothing moves the same. The chemistry of everything is different. And there is only one where there used to be a team of two. I’m learning and building new muscles and changing into a new person - in all things.

Becoming new means first acknowledging that nothing gets to be the same. And I sometimes have to remind myself of that reality multiple times a day - especially when I’m homeschooling and trying to plan or execute like I used to. It doesn’t work anymore. Even though I built a body of experience that can act as a rudder - a lot has to change.

So I line up the constants - the variables that don’t change. Like the need for ME to continue to see with the eyes of a child; to be open to wonder as a child is. And from there…He helps me see how to make all things new. Even lesson plans. And expectations.

Starting over with eyes open to wonder.

#homeschooling #lessonplanning #wisdombeginsinwonder #homeeducation #startingover #homeschool #homeschoolplanning #grief #griefchangesyou #griefchangeseverything #lifeafterloss #soloparenting #soloparent #soloparentingishard ...

Lauren’s Confirmation last weekend was at the @guadalupeshrine in La Crosse, WI. And my kids showed up. In every way. This family shows up for Sacraments. All 5 were there in spite of sickness, travel, and snow. And for brief moments, God held time and allowed me to see His goodness that runs like an unwavering thread through our lives.

I wanted this to be a pilgrimage for our family in addition to Lauren’s confirmation, but like all pilgrimages, there are gifts that feel like thorns and I started to feel panicky and lost. A friend encouraged me to let go my tight grip, and as soon as I did, everything began to unfold. I lifted my eyes to the hills and my help came.

I pleaded with Our Lady of Guadalupe when Lauren’s dad was in the hospital. And now, I was 13 hours from home with the fruit of my suffering. I was there to say thank you and to ask for more grace. And there was the Blessed Virgin, inviting us up that hill blanketed in the quietest snow.

Lauren was Confirmed in the beautiful, rich traditional rite of Confirmation by @cardinalraymondburke and our family is grateful for God’s goodness, Cardinal Burke’s faithfulness, and the hospitality of @guadalupeshrine and though I keenly felt the absence of Lauren’s dad, I know God allowed him to behold this, one of the fruits of his suffering in his child’s life. ❤️ ...

I don’t know what I’m doing. 🤪 But there’s nothing wrong with test driving, right? If you wanna see it all 🫣🫣🫣 check my #hobonichi highlight. 🙂🤪 ...

Living with grief looks a lot like normal to most people. We function, sometimes at a very high level. We feel joy. We laugh. We keep up…or we try. Usually because there are children who desperately need the stretch into routine and normalcy. We’re exhausted. There is no one walking through the door before dinner to fill us up or take over for the evening or share a glass of wine with. There are no date nights to share goals or dreams or hopes or a vision of the future. All of that died. That, too, is mourned and let go.

More vulnerable than we have ever been, we begin to open ourselves - to life, to an unknown future, to the hope of mercy in the morning.

It’s not a feeling or an intuition. It’s an active choice. A choice to embrace God’s unknown plan when you stand stripped of every shelter save His promise to make all things new.

Thanking God - His mercies are new every morning. ...

It has been a good day today. A great day, really. We’ve got layers of things going on - homeschool, an on-site work day for me, an activity for one of the kids, and a (mini) speaking engagement for me. Lots of juggling is my norm.

I think about what a juxtaposition my life is - and how I always seem to live somewhere in the contrast of two elements. And how comfortable I’ve become with that. Joy and sorrow. Happiness and pain. Contentment and longing.

Good days full of satisfaction are never really a reflection of anything Herculean I’ve done - they’re a glimpse of grace that keeps pouring into and overflowing out of me in spite of how empty I feel at times. Full and empty. I wonder sometimes if this is what God meant when He said His power was made perfect in weakness. Because *I* am weak!!! And in spite of it, He keeps pulling me back out onto the water.

I stopped by Rob’s today. Just to be close. There’s something about being close to him when I talk to him. I wanted to tell him about this pull I feel - and I just wanted to spend a minute listening inside the deeper parts of my heart.

God is calling me back out on the water; the rest is a mystery to me. But I feel the pull into this unknown that is this juxtaposition of terrifying and exciting. Somewhere in that contrast is wonder - and that’s where I’m trying to anchor. That’s where I think God wants me. At least…that’s what I told Rob. ❤️ ...

Happy birthday, babe. Another milestone. Another birthday without you. So many things have settled since we last got to see you; so many things are still upside down. Discomfort doesn’t scare me anymore.

You’d be so stinkin’ proud of your kids and the way they love me and love you. They’re growing up and in each of them I see you and it brings unspeakable joy and comfort. Your wit. Your humor. Your generosity. Your loyalty. Your firm grip of the obvious.

You’d be proud of me, too. I’ve changed. So much. Some days I’m not even sure who I am, but I never question whether you’d recognize me or love me. There’s a certainty there that you built into me. I lean on that a lot.

Sometimes I hold on waaaay too tight in my fumbling attempt to steer this thing without you, and then I hear you tell me to let go. To trust. So I take a deep breath, and untangle myself a little more from you and let go of my hold so that God can do His work.

We’re stepping forward and there’s never a shred of doubt that that is exactly what you want us to do. Buddy moving. ...

#widowlife ...

Seriously tho. 😳 I’m putting this out there in case you’re wondering what “balance” looks like. Because that idea - is a fantasy! Something always gets dropped. Let it be the dishes; not the people. ❤️ ...

There is no better way to rise up out of survival mode, a traumatic event, or suffering than to restore ROUTINE! Routines act like guardrails for the movements of the day, and though unsteady at first, I found mine naturally grew.

My routines took a radical hit after we lost Rob, and I knew instantly that dinner and afternoon routines were going to have to shift for us dramatically! What I didn’t expect was how necessary a new morning routine would be for me. I already enjoyed a morning routine that had evolved from babies to toddlers to teens to a mash-up of all three - from season to season. Yet here I was, at the beginning of a new season that I neither wanted nor knew how to walk. I learned that I had to balance a fine line of anchoring to past foundations and actions while changing some things to begin to walk forward…toward a new future.

☀️M Y M O R N I N G R H Y T H M

☕️C O F F E E - I changed up my mugs, my coffee maker (coffee for one feels really weird in the same big pot), while embracing what felt comforting about my morning cup.
🏠S P A C E S - I changed the feel of our home with a new coat of paint everywhere. It brightened familiar spaces with a sense of freshness that we all needed.
🧺M O T H E R’ S M O R N I N G B A S K E T - for years my personal prayer and reading time took place in my room, in a favorite comfy chair….a chair I couldn’t return to for a long time. So, I moved my morning basket to a different location. It’s amazing what different perspective can do!
🗓️P L A N N I N G - planning is a way of anticipating the day, addressing needs, and stewarding the gift of time for me. It’s a real and necessary part of rebuilding from trauma.
🏋️‍♀️M O V E M E N T - a new habit I’m working to build. Needed? Yes. Worthwhile? Yes. Not my favorite thing to do? Also, yes. I peg new habits to habits that are already fixed to give them the best chance of taking root.
📚S T A C K I N G - the paper *stuff* of managing the home, homeschool, and being the only parent, and the loss of your spouse is ENORMOUS. I find it overwhelming…so I started making one single stack, and I just try to deal with 2-3 things from *the stack* every day. ...

Spring cleaning!! 🧼 ✨

I get sooooo many questions (and disbelief) about my @ruggable washable rugs so I thought I’d take you along and show you my biggest rug - in the family room - as it’s washed, dried, and put back in place.

Yep, I washed this in my washing machine at home. I don’t do anything special - I use regular laundry soap and warm water and actually washed twice because #kids #dogs #life - I dried in the dryer and I used high heat to take care of allergens. And then we plopped it down, stretched it corner to corner - et viola!

So…to all those who are incredulous when I say I throw my rug in the washer - here ya go! These rugs are game changers! My only regret is that I didn’t get them sooner!

The deets:
My rug - Sarrah Coral Rug in 9 x 12 with the cushioned pad

#springcleaning #springclean #ruggable #washablerug #sarrahcoralrug #familyroom #familyroomdecor #springcleaningtime #springcleanwithme ...

My days are full. Serving those I love joyfully and pouring my heart into all those full moments means starting S L O W.

#slowmorning #morningroutine #onmydesk #deskview #planner #plannerroutine #desksetup #deskinspiration #deskinspo ...